10 Things I Learned...

i. Nobody has the right to tell you how to feel – including your Mother. If somebody makes you feel uncomfortable, upset, anxious, or any feeling remotely classed as ‘bad’, you have every right to have that feeling (or any feeling), and you most certainly have every right to voice and express the way you feel. Upon expression, the person who caused those feelings has no right to make excuses for themselves – the only acceptable response is an apology and an effort to understand.  Sometimes, I just need to feel something. Anything. Even if that feeling is pain.

ii. Your smile is infectious. Never stop seeing the beauty in the world. Like laughter.

iii. Being cold blooded and old-souled does not mean your heart is ice. If anything, you love too much, which is something that most people do not know how to cope with. Do not blame yourself for others misfortunes or misunderstandings. It is your experience which has made you stiffen, and rightly so. That is by no means a bad thing.

iv. Big things really do come in small packages. Your personality is one of them.

v. Physical contact is not something that people should fear – especially from family. It takes everything I have to be comfortable with your touch, so please forgive me if I flinch or jump, or resist a hug sometimes. I am still learning that affections do not have to be painful and that it can make you feel safe and not always be scary. I am better when it is just you and I and the blinds are closed and the world is outside because I do not have to think about anything else – I can focus on calming my thoughts, and just being. But in open spaces and with others near, I struggle to quiet the fears that linger on my skin like the touch of people who were supposed to protect me. Believe me, this is something I am working on. It will take me time, but I will get there. I have to.

vi. Family and Home are feelings that I will probably never have. I have learned to live with that. I need you to, as well.

vii. It’s ok to need a break every once in a while. It’s exhausting having the breath knocked out of you by the world and not having a chance to catch back up. The world does not wait for you, no, but by now you are more than strong enough to beat it to the finish line as long as you learn how to rest efficiently. As long as a break is exactly that – a break, before you get back up on the proverbial horse. You’ve got this. You use your past as your best motivator and my goodness does it work. Just hang in there.

viii. Some people take more of the weight of the world on their shoulders than others.

ix. You will never fix me. Yes, I am broken, but I am not broken in the sense that I do not work. I am merely broken in the sense that I am not like the others. It is not a problem, it is just different. Not better or worse – only different. People are affectionate and love in different ways. Just because I do not love in the way you imagined it, it does not mean that I do not love.

x. I do not want nor mean to break your heart, but I am sorry in advance. Only dysfunctional beings come from dysfunctional lives, and the only way I know how to love you is by tearing you apart and swallowing you whole.