Why Socks should be Eaten, Not Worn

Socks are comfortable, right?
Maybe so, but don’t they make your feet smell? Allow jams and green fungus to grow between your toes?
Yes, they may stop shoes from rubbing, and they contain the smell. But they only stop the smell from entering the atmosphere for a short while. It is only a matter of time before your socks start smelling as well. And don’t they become wet and sticky in the process? All the sweat that has leaked out of your tootsies gets ‘absorbed’, and, voila. You now have an even wetter foot than you did to start with. This in turn, causes a fantastically smelly (primarily cheesy) foot.

If that’s not enough to put you slightly off, think back to when you were younger. Remember slipping and sliding all over those wooden and tiled floors? Maybe you just had to take your shoes off and go skidding down the aisles in Tesco’s in your socks?
Wasn’t your fun always short-lived?
Out of your mates, you’re winning the race or competition to see who can slide the furthest, when suddenly; BOSH. You’re on your bottom. Your speedy socks have betrayed you, sending you flying to floor, instead of flying past the finish line.
If that’s not enough, your white-as-clouds socks are as black as a bin-liner, and they are refusing to let you stand up, as they slip every time you attempt to nurse your poor bum.

So now you’re smelly, dirty, sore, and not going anywhere particularly fast. Who (or what,) is to blame for all this?
Well, none other than your socks, which you will now have to put straight into the washing machine.

That’s all very well I hear you say. But where does the eating part come into this?
Well, my friends. Firstly, if we simply stopped wearing socks altogether, what would we do with the swarm of billions of socks that inhabit our planet already?
This brings me to my next point.

Being relatively green and conscious of our ‘carbon Footprints’, the world may be slightly reluctant to pour these thousands of helpless nylon strands into a massive waste site.
Whether cotton, nylon or plain plastic bags, socks are actually packed with vitamins and minerals. Wouldn’t it just be a shame to waste such good nutritional value? So what better way to kill two birds with one stone (instead of killing many more birds with one smelly foot), than to ingest the problem.
People (especially us British,) are always complaining about the variety (or ‘lack’ of,) foods and textures or colours. With socks however, the variety is already there. Leopard print one day, stripes and spots the next. You could never get bored of what you are eating – it would always be different.

Sure, they may be a little chewy at some points, but it solves the constant problem we have with smelly feet, sore bottoms, dirty whites and pure ignorance. Socks are the answer to everything – and it’s been right under our noses all along.